Is online D/s real?
by Melicia Saphyne
Yes. And, no. Long story short: I believe that online D/s is more real if you have already experienced it offline. I also believe that each action or scene, for example knife play, hot wax, etc., you do online is more real if you have already experienced it offline. That being said ... We all have our own minds, our own hearts, and varying levels of imagination and creativity. I think it's possible for someone with no offline experience to have a very satisfying online D/s relationship ... if you're good at catching nuances of speech and timing, if you keep a journal in great detail, and if you're flexible and create many online avenues for your Dom/me to contact you at His/Her will, I think you could serve an online Master really well. For me, having had offline experiences aplenty has added an extra dimension to online D/s. I can remember all the sensations from an offline experience, translate it into words, and also just feel it in my heart and soul, and body. I'm very visual, and have a wide imagination. All of the things that make an online D/s relationship successful are found offline: a sub journal, flexibility, creativity and playfulness. Accessibility Unlike an offline relationship where you may live with your partner 24/7, online D/s takes a lot of patience, and a lot of flexibility. Very few people are dedicated to the online lifestyle full time, because it usually just supplants one's offline lifestyle. So how can you create a "space" for the two (or more) of Y/you? Make yourself accessible in as many ways as possible ... email (even a separate email address just for one relationship), a web journal/blog, an instant messenger, perhaps a web page that you regularly update. Independent vs. community subbing I have never submitted online on an independent basis, I have always searched and chosen a BDSM community first, hung out for awhile, watched the people's interactions, and then decided if I wanted to join in or not. Some communities are very closed and restricted, with near-Gorean sub behavior rules; some communities are simply moderated, so that if you have a problem with another user, you can report it; some communities are more like support groups or extended families, with forums, administrative Doms and subs, seminars, newsletters, and more. Because I've always been inside a community, I've been able to weed out for the most part those who are simply looking for cybersex, or those who think "domination" means "get on your knees, bitch" as a greeting line. I can't advise those who are independent and not part of a community since I haven't had that experience, but I suspect it's much the same, except that you have to be much more careful about who you meet, and take more time getting to know someone (they won't have a reputation among community members that you can ask about, in other words). All this being said, I have been a "house sub" and then was collared by a Dom within a community, but when that relationship ended for its own reasons, that community was not supportive ... so I left, took some time for myself, then started researching other communites, and have now settled on a new one that I'm finding meets all my needs. Visualization techniques There are many resources online for visualization and meditation advice and techniques, try gathering a library of things that suit your personality. I've found that it helps if I "set the mood" while I'm at my computer ... candles, incense, lighting, music ... they all play a role in my experience, the same as they would offline. Imagine, if you were in the same room as your Dom/me, yet there was an opaque curtain between you ... the sound is blocked from either side ... you can only communicate in brief letters passed back and forth ... how would you faithfully serve? How would you communicate to your Dom/me your emotions, your reactions, the setting? How would they communicate the same things to you? How would you try to gauge your Dom/mes intentions, or anticipate their needs? Close your eyes and imagine this scenario. This visualization can take you in great leaps towards serving online with flair and originality. Sub journaling I can't say enough about the need to journal, especially if you're online. (Not just for submission, I journal for a lot of uses.) I think there have been sub journals as long as there have been subs, and they're as different and varied as we all are. Some choose to collect writings and poems, others choose to record each scene in loving detail, and others use their journal as a "little black book" of their Dom/me(s)' preferences, likes and dislikes, characteristics. Some do all of the above, and more. Online, you might consider keeping a separate journal just for the "black book" factor, unless you have a superhuman memory! Even if you are with only one Dom/me, it still pays to journal ... you don't know when something might necessitate extended absences, like work changes, moving, a death in the family, etc. ... you'll want to be able to pick up where you left off. Also, as you are screening someone over a period of time to learn if you want them to be your Dom/me, a journal as a backup to your memory will help you catch any inconsistencies in the information they give you, or their behavior. A sub's journal can be an extremely intimate part of a D/s relationship ... your Dom/me may require you to keep a journal just for them, and to show it to them often ... the same goes for offline and online, the online difference being you email it to them or post it on your web page. You may need to record your emotions and reactions to your experiences, for your Dom/me to read ... they may wish to see your poetry or artwork related to your submission ... you might like to write stories of scenes you wish would occur, and your Dom/me may choose at their will to grant you that wish. Collect your resources Another separate journal, notebook or folder for gathering resources comes in handy, especially online, and especially if you're less experienced. There are so many great sub sites out there, with many of the same great works published at each ... grab a copy of the D/s Contract ... Sub's Bill of Rights ... Sub Safety Online ... and more. Study, study and more study! Since BDSM is about safety and sanity, you can't study enough about all the aspects of the lifestyle. An educated sub is a desirable sub. I also recommend keeping a small file of Dom/me resources handy. Why? I mean, haven't they already studied all of that stuff? Sadly, no. The online world is full of HNGs (Horny Net Geeks), players, poseurs, and just plain dangerous people. That Dom you're involved with might be a misogynist just waiting for the opportunity to abuse you ... what are the warning signs? If you study, you'll know. So why should a sub keep a list of Domination resources? Firstly, I think every sub should study Domination from "their" side ... it really adds a new dimension to your understanding and flexibility, and your Dom/me will surely appreciate your education. Secondly, when and if you encounter one of these dubious "dominators," simply be polite and refer them to several URLs they may find enlightening, and leave it at that. Someone who is simply inexperienced and truly wants to enter the BDSM world will gobble up that education, and thank you for it. Someone who is simply interested in toying with you will ignore it, and hopefully get the message that you're wise to them, and move on. But, is it REAL? I haven't really answered that question yet, have I? That's because I don't think there is one true answer. For me, some experiences have been as real as any offline experience, in some cases a thousand-fold more intense because of the psychological aspect of being fully and completely Dominated and subservient with only words to command me. Other experiences have fallen short of my expectations, and I've learned from them. I can only offer some answers, please take what you will ... it's as real as you make it ... it's as real as you want it to be ... it's as real as any other relationship you share with another person in email or chat ... it's as real as the limits of your imagination and creativity. Melicia Saphyne is a submissive with 17 years wonderful experience, currently between Masters, and an amateur erotica writer and essayist. |
